Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
that wasn’t the question
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.