After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
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ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
he was correct
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.