Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
You Might Also Like
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
More like Kate Missington.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right