Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
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I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
My current situation
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
couldn’t resist
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies