Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
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COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Fight
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!