Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!