In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
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Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
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The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.