“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
You Might Also Like
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Effort made
Merica.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
channeling her this year
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.