*weighs self after shaving
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no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*