If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
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*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.