*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
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Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
A classic…
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
FRED: right
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”