Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
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the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross