NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
You Might Also Like
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.