Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
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1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.