The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
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My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.