You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.