My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
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“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Happens to everyone.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start