Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
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I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
#winning
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow