Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
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Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say