My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
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“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.