At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
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The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
#SuperBowl
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer