I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
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Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys