imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*