When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
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Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”