Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
You Might Also Like
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?