My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
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[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU