Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
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I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.