The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
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I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.