[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
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Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.