There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
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Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”