My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
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My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.