I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
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Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Did I do this right