Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
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If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise