love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
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99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
“Sheer Arrogance”
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”