[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
You Might Also Like
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
guilty
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed