A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
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My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop