her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
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CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Great game to play with friends
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.