College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
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God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”