I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
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The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
“No way.” -Jose
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here