furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Meat Cute
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
#growingpains
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow