If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
You Might Also Like
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*