Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
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I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life