Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
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NOT all policemen are strippers.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”