Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
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ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Strangers have the best candy.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.