[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
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*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
My time has come.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
January has been Januweary
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun