9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
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Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.