[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
You Might Also Like
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE