Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
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[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I love twitter
I feel seen
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
prepare for carbonated trouble
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.