My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*