villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
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My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
This will never not be funny to me.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.